on life purpose

i went to mass today (walked, actually) and heard a pretty decent homily. decent homilies are often hard to come by, in my opinion. a lot of the time i feel like i'm hearing the same thing over and over again. or the priest just decides to retell the gospel story, adding a few tidbits here and there. but today the priest's homily hit me close to home. he talked about discerning your calling from God, your life's purpose as God wills it. this is something that i feel like i've struggled to find for many years and am still struggling with. the priest urged the congregation to really listen to/for God's voice: where is He sending YOU? in the gospel reading today, Jesus sends out his disciples two by two on a mission to spread the gospel, instructing them to take nothing with them but the shoes on their feet and a walking stick. no money, no extra clothes, no food. they were to rely on the hospitality of the homes, the cities and towns where they stayed in. in his homily, the priest noted that their is a distinction between what God's purpose/calling for us is and what we ascertain to be the best for us. God only knows the best for us. and His plan is so much more exciting and promising and more full than our own.

and so i sit here and wonder if i'm really listening for God's plan for my life, for God's will, and not my own. i am desperate for knowledge of His will. i will have to make so many decisions in the next year, my last year of undergrad: will i go to grad school right after graduation? will i stay in san diego? am i picking the right career? ... i guess it takes patience. time. prayer. because i SO want to do God's will in my life. i want to serve Him in the best way possible. i want to my work to be for His glory. but how exactly i do that isn't clear to me right now. i have my own ideas, yeah, but what if they're not in line with His? i guess the uncertainties scare me. they make me anxious. what can i say? i'm future-oriented. in the past year, i've done well in suppressing that "strength" of mine. but now it's beginning to burst from within me, like a ticking time bomb. my brain won't stop asking "what's next?"

don't you wish you could just know?

on family

yesterday i was invited to have dinner with my godfather and his family. they are vacationing in san diego right now and are staying at a place that's about two minutes from my apartment in pb. i have two godparents - a godmother and a godfather, whom are not related but know each other. i've only seen my godmother a handful of times in my life. it's my godfather who has done the best job of being a godparent. he always remembers my birthday and he sends me letters and e-mails from time to time to find out what i'm up to. and last night he invited me to dinner with his family and their friends. and he took introduced me to every single person that i didn't know, each time referring to me as his goddaughter, which is weird because i don't get introduced with that title much. but he made me feel like a celebrity, like something special. and, oh my goodness do i love his family! he has five children, all younger than me, each so wonderful and beautiful. i look at his family and think - that's the kind of family i want. not that i don't love my family, of course. but whenever i'm around my godfather and his children, i can see what a great father he is to them. and how his children play together and love each other. five kids is a lot, but somehow he has made time to have a special relationship with each one of them. whenever i'm around their family, i feel joy and warmth. i think perhaps i enjoy being around my godfather so much because he reminds me of my own father. they were best friends at u of a so that would make sense, i guess...that they would be alike. i feel lucky to have a godfather like him.

last night was wonderful. homemade chili and cornbread. root beer floats. sitting outside watching the sun sink under the ocean's horizon. listening to the adult's conversation and laughter....and participating whenever i could. being with "family". i have to admit, it's been a little hard for me being in san diego this summer rather than in texas, missing my own family. but last night helped me feel a little bit better. i feel blessed.

on thunderstorms

last night i just laid in my bed, gazing out my window at the thunderstorm that was rolling in. the lightning was incredible, mesmerizing. so powerful. you know that trick they taught you as a kid? to figure out how far away the thunderstorm is? wait for the lightning, then count mississippi-wise until you hear the thunder. the shorter the time in between, the closer the storm. yeah, i lay there doing that last night, although i don't know if it was actually working because the lightning seemed to be all over the place. and remember how people would say that thunder is God bowling up in heaven? i still think about that every time i hear thunder.

i love thunderstorms in the summer. pure nature. awe-inspiring. and one reason why i love Texas.

on bodies

sometimes i'm amazed at my body. and how strong it is. and how it works without me having to tell it to. bodies are REALLY cool. like today, i rode a bike up a very large hill. it gave me a bit of a thrill to push myself up this hill and see how fast i could go. i truly felt the power of my body working while sweat poured down my face from the heat.

our hearts don't need to be told to beat (most of the time) and breathing just comes natural. when you kiss someone, it's a natural reaction to close your eyes. isn't that cool? when you're hot, you're body sweats to cool down and when you're cold, you shiver to stay warm. you sneeze to get the bad stuff out of your nose. you have eyelashes to protect your eyes and skin that's pretty darn durable and heals like Wolverine (ok, maybe not so much). the LORD sure did an amazing job making us, crafting us. i mean, who other than Him would be able to create such a being as a human. a thinking, feeling human being. one who can love, hate, laugh, and cry, kill and save lives. we are modern marvels...for any time period. we are beautiful creations. BEAUTIFUL. we are good. the LORD said so Himself.

but we are so breakable. we are vulnerable. we fall down.
and that's where Jesus is. with a strong arm, He picks us up and brushes us off, time and time again. i know because i've experienced this in my own life. i can just hear Jesus saying to me, "No, Courtney. Don't do it. Don't give in to this or that temptation.." and then when i ignore him and do it anyway, He just sighs and offers his hand, ready to forgive me even though i'm not worthy. that's the kind of God He is. that's what His kingdom is all about.

kingdom come.

i praise you because i am fearfully and wonderfully made.

psalm 139:14

on disappointment

don't you just hate it when you go to check how much money you have in your account and it's less than you thought?

ugh. i'm broke.

on summer

bare shoulders.
sticky thighs.
purple sunsets.
the smell of sunscreen.
hot dogs.
BBQ.
sunshine and the hot hot heat.
tank tops.
flip flops.
pony tails.
oceans, lakes, and rivers.
tunes.

summer.

after all the trials, the stresses, the heartaches and heartbreaks, and roller-coaster rides the school year has brought, summer comes poking through the warm soil like a new budding flower. it smiles and says, "where have you been all year?" and we embrace it like a long lost friend. for me, this summer will be different. i must be getting older. oh gosh. life is happening. it's flowing along right before my eyes, like the trees and bushes on the side of the road as they're passed by. and as much as i want to sometimes, i can't slow it down. it keeps on flowing. and it keeps on amazing me. there's still so much life to live...so much LIFE. and i just want to leap for joy, run to the top of a mountain and feel rain fall on my face, the drops weaving a path on my skin, soaking me to my inner core. i want to FEEL. LIFE. wow. summer makes me feel so alive!

i'm stepping out. i'm finding out what it's like to live life on my own. i'm breaking the ties that hold me home and bind me to my parents' lives.

i'm gonna miss the texas summer. but i'm excited to find out what a san diego summer is like. i'm excited to be with my friends when we don't have to worry about homework, or exams, or other responsibilities. i'm excited to spend my days with children and horses. i'm excited to spend each day looking forward to the next. i'm excited to live in an apartment near the beach, with a dishwasher.

i can't stop listening to the song "pagan angel and a borrowed car" by iron & wine. it makes me feel - feel the wind on my face and in my hair as i'm driving down a long, straight road in the middle of nowhere, the streets lined with green, grassy fields and the sun shining radiantly above, with mountains in the distance. and there's a glassy lake far off to my right, lined with trees. there are no other cars on the road, just me. and i'm just driving...to no place in particular. and it doesn't matter if i get there or not. it's the journey and the way it makes me feel. that's where i'm at right now. i'm in that car, driving down that long road. i'm on the journey and i'm just enjoying the scenery.

on thoughts and feelings

yesterday, and maybe a few times before that, i've had these thoughts. thoughts that make me think about how lucky i am, how wonderful life is, and how crazy unpredictable it can be. like how i live most of the year in SAN DIEGO, probably the most beautiful city in the US. like how i'm actually an ADULT and i can do whatever i want today and i don't have to ask my parents for permission. it's almost like a letting go. i'm letting go of everything that i've held on to. and i'm becoming. i'm becoming who God created me to be, slowly and surely. but i'm also reaching out, ready to grab hold of the next thing. i feel like i'm in that transition, you know? one arm is holding onto the past, holding onto what i know, what i'm comfortable with and the other arm is reaching out and touching the finger tips of something new, something unknown, but all together wonderful and exciting. yeah, it's a little bit scary...or a lot scary. but what do i have to fear, really? this is life. and it's worth living.

i don't know where my confidence comes from. my best explanation is Him. because He's the only one who actually knows my future. and i can feel Him telling me not to be anxious about it. i'm reaching out to His fingertips and i'm ready for Him to take me wherever He does. 'cause life is just so much more exciting when you don't know and then you're surprised. my heart leaps with joy at this thought. these are the thoughts i've been having this past week. and they're so much better than thoughts about finals, or housing, or other uncertainties that make me worry. because in the end, this world will fade away. finals won't matter. the grades you got in college won't matter. oh, how i look forward to that day. but for now, i'm content living this life that He has blessed me with. in san diego, california with friends i never thought i'd have the pleasure to know, and a hope that i never thought i could feel. what my future holds i will never know for sure. never. but i know He's got it in his hands and that's all i need to know. 'cause He is SO good.

i feel it.

joy.

on horses

i went riding this morning. i usually don't ride on wednesdays, but i got up at 7:30 so i could drive the 25 minutes out to the barn and get a last ride in before finals. i have to admit, it was hard getting out of bed, but once i pulled in that gravel drive at the barn i knew i had done the right thing. i had a great ride - relaxed, fun, and with people i hadn't seen in a long time. you see, riding just "does it" for me. it brings me joy and happiness, it gives me a sense of peace and belonging, and it just makes me forget all my other worries, if only for an hour or two. it's my therapy. and it works every time. there's just something about being atop a thousand pound animal that's therapeutic. i think the best thing about horses is they don't talk. they listen. they don't complain (most of the time). they don't judge you or gossip about you. they don't hold grudges. they're forgiving. they just want to love you...or at least most of them do. it's something that a horse person can't really explain to a non-horse person. they just have to experience it and find out for themselves.

i love horses and i love riding. i hope that they can always be a part of my life. i am so thankful and blessed to be a part of the equestrian team this year. it is truly one of those gifts. so, thanks God for making horses. that was really good thinking.

on races and gifts

school is rapidly coming to and end. tomorrow is my last day of classes as a junior. then comes senior year. SENIOR year. what in the heck do i do after that? i realize that i could make all the plans in the world and then something could happen and i end up doing something totally different. that's just how life works. we make plans and God laughs, right? i feel like God has laughed at me many times. "oh, you think you're gonna be a bio major and go to med school?" nope. "you don't wanna be a leader?" too bad. "you think you're never going to find someone special?" wrong-o. the Lord is tricky. but not tricky in the sense that He deceives you and leads to down the wrong path. nah, He's tricky in the sense that He gives you things in life you'd never expect, blessings that you don't deserve. i think God hears our plans for ourselves and says, "you really have no idea."

i used to be fearful of that. of not knowing the future. but now all it does is bring me incredible hope and excitement. it's like God placed little gifts wrapped up with silver bows along my path, but there are all these obstacles that are in the way of reaching them. slowly i've learned to love the challenge of facing these obstacles. i've learned that the challenges are so worth the amazing gift that lies in wait. gifts that i don't deserve. gifts that He freely gives me. and all the while He's standing right there in front of me on my path, beckoning me on. i have this image of my dad that i like to keep with me. it comes up often when i'm running (literally) and i really just want to stop. once, when i was younger, i ran a 5K in my hometown. as i rounded the corner for the homestretch, my dad was there giving me encouragement and spurring me on towards the finish line. i can still see him there today, waving his fists and shouting thsoe encouraging words. i will always remember that. because i think that's what Jesus does. he stands ahead of us, calling us towards the finish line. and at that finish line is the biggest prize of all: the crown. paul often uses the image of a race in his letters. i love that image. it speaks to me. it seems real to me.

i don't feel like my race is even half-way over. no, it's just beginning. there are still so many more obstacles for me to face, so many more challenges...but so many more gifts as well. so that's what i live for: the gifts of life. the people, the places....they're all gifts. it may be difficult to see the silver bow around them at first, but as you slowly unwrap it, you discover the beauty that lies inside.

on light and dark

something's wrong with the sun. i mean, i haven't seen it today. just all this ugly, gloomy gray stuff. but that's okay, because it makes me feel better about staying in to write a paper. i had to write a 4-5 page paper on whether hiv/aids is a problem of personal or social responsibility. i came to the conclusion that is it actually both. because we're relational beings. and we have a duty to act in a way that would better the community. so that got me thinking about relations...and justice and what i'm doing to help the world. because most of the time i don't think that i'm the person who can "do justice." i'm just little ol' me, in my usd bubble, surrounded by so many blessings. what am i doing to change the world? i don't know. that's someone else's job. no?

i'm not a very creative person - i can't paint, or draw, or take amazing pictures. i can't sing or play an instrument. most of the time my mind stays in a little box. the "what's comfortable for courtney" box. to think outside that box is kinda scary. because i like to make plans. i'm future oriented. but i made a new year's resolution this year to be fearless. to take risks. to step outside that box. to go out in the world with jesus by my side and DO SOMETHING. so i'm trying to figure out how my passion can be transformed into service. this world is needy. this world is broken. this world is desperate for some fresh air. this world needs some jesus.

so what do i do? that's the ultimate question. what does it look like for me to be His hands and feet here in this world? 'cause there's so much suffering. there's HIV/AIDS, there's poverty, there's homelessness, there's political oppression, there's illiteracy, and there's lots of hate. right now i feel like the whole world is frowning and i want it to smile. there's a lot of darkness and there needs to be light. we need His light.

on death and dying

i just watched the latest grey's anatomy episode. no, i'm not at all ashamed that i watch that show consistently. it's one of the only shows that i do watch. i like the drama, the relationships, the medical (sometimes unrealistic) aspect, the real life that the characters experience. often when i'm watching tv shows or movies, i try to imagine myself in the characters' situation. what would i do if i was in a concentration camp in poland and i had experienced the deaths of all of my family members? would i sacrifice my life for someone else? would i be brave enough to enter a burning building to save someone?

that's what i did today while i was watching grey's. in this episode (sorry if i spoil it for ya) izzie gets married to her love, alex. izze is dying of cancer.
and another part of the story revolves around 5-6 college students who get hit by a semi on their way to their graduation. all but one of them die. on the day of their graduation. a day when they're supposed to be entering the "real world". but those who didn't make it will never see that day. they'll never get married, never have children. they'll never...do SO many things that they wanted to do in their lives. this hits particularly close to home considering i will be a senior soon and off to start a "real life" of my own...
and izzie is dying of cancer. so her friends arrange for her and alex to get married on the day that meredith and derek are supposed to get married. what kind of friends do that? amazing, selfless friends.
i will admit that one of my biggest fears is dying from cancer. i've known many people who have suffered through that horrible disease and i've seen the pain that it caused their family and friends. and so, while i'm watching this episode, i'm thinking to myself: "what attitude would you take if you had cancer and you knew you were going to die soon?" or "how would you react if someone you loved dearly suddenly died or was sick with a terminal illness?"

i can't really answer this. i mean, i wouldn't know for sure unless it actually happened to me, right? alright, so this is a morbid subject. but it's reality. people die.

i took this survey today, a psychological survey assessing how religion relates to maslow's hierarchy of needs. here are some of the statements which i was supposed to respond to with "strongly agree", "agree", "no opinion", "disagree", or "strongly disagree":

belief in a God who provides for one's safety and protection would lead to a greater sense of safety and security in sickness and health.

the death of someone close to me has led/would lead me to hope that something of us survives death and there might be an after-life.

after a close bereavement, i have addressed that person as if they were still alive and had survived death.

for some reason, i found myself seriously considering my answer to these questions. do i really have an unquestioning faithfulness in Him, a faithfulness that would give me a greater sense of safety and security even if i was dying or if someone i loved was? i have to. i have to believe. beacause that's what gets me through the everyday, stupid little things that i worry and freak out about that are so insignificant next to death. his faithfulness is what allows me to persevere and overcome. and it's His love for me that fuels my fire and ignites my passion. so i have to believe that when things are REALLY dark and twisty and the end is near, i will turn to Him with confidence and trust and hope. and i know that He will give me a sense of peace, of understanding. yeah, He will be at the end of that tunnel. 'cause He has already overcome death itself. i mean, He pretty much slapped it in the face. and so what have i to fear? i think it's fear that is ultimately what keeps us from facing death. it's the fear of losing what we have here in the world. but He has tresures for us in heaven. treaures. for us.

so, what is death compared to God's unfailing love for us? if izzie believes in Him (let's not make assumptions), she has nothing to fear. so when i put myself in her shoes or those of someone she loves, i can say: bring it on.