on things i'd like to change

here. let's be honest. like veritaserum honest.

there are many things i would like to fix/change right now, but can’t, or won’t, or just don’t feel like it. i’d like to change the way i’m eating...or perhaps what’s more accurate to say is i’d like to change how much dessert i’m eating. it’s probably not great that i’m eating dessert two, mostly three times a day. but i feel like i can’t control myself at all when it comes to sweets. especially when it’s right there in front of me and looks absolutely delicious. every day i think to myself, this is the day. no desserts. or only one dessert. because every day i look at myself in the mirror and am disappointed by the way i look. mostly because i judge myself against others. like everyone else who i live with and then some. with their bronzed, skinny bodies that look amazing in a bikini. i like to think that i don’t care about how i look, that i actually don’t judge myself against others and that i love me for me. but, seriously. who am i kidding? there are things about me that i want to change. ‘cause i feel like the one-who’s-the-least-pretty-in-the-doghouse. or maybe even the least-pretty-of-all-the-counselors. and it kinda hurts. and i hate that i’m thinking that way, but it just happens. ‘cause i constantly judge myself against others. man why the heck do i do that? i find myself trying to find flaws in other people just to make myself feel better. like, well she’s got an ugly nose and i don’t really, so it’s all okay. or at least i’m prettier than her. even just typing this out right now makes me feel silly. but that’s the truth and heck if i need to know the truth. ‘cause the truth is the truth and of course it’s not always pretty. but i guess it’s important to acknowledge. but i’m not sure what to do about it.

something else i’d like to change: missing texas. missing my family. missing san diego. missing my friends there. (okay, that’s a lot of things) which leads to feeling out of place here. even though it’s great here. it really is. i mean, it’s work, but it’s also play. it’s colorado. it’s gorgeous. there’s mountains, there’s afternoon rainstorms, there’s horses, and there’s tons of stars. and laughter. and good people. i do like stars a lot. but i still don’t feel completely comfortable here. it’s like freshman year of college. back and forth. up and down. feeling left out and not in. feeling unsure of myself. feeling like i need to do things that i don’t really want to do just to feel in. to feel. okay. liked.

i'd like to make my mind shut down so i can stop thinking about these things. stop thinking about the silly things i want to change about myself. it's not worth it. it's really not. sometimes i lie in bed just thinking about how i would like to feel. and then i listen to music and imagine situations in my head that make me feel better. is that weird? do other people do that? sometimes reality just bites and the imagined life is much better. but where would i be, who would i be if i didn't accept reality? if i didn't embrace it, love it, and live in it. for reals.

it's beginning to get to me.

on accidents

they happen, right? it's just part of life. it's just one of those things. can't do anything about it. it could have been worse. you're lucky. you'll have a great story to tell.

this is going to sound horrible, but right now i am feeling sorry for myself. oh, i was doing well in the beginning. it was actually kinda cool to get stitches and have some narly looking wounds on my leg. and the story of how it happened was fun to tell - complete with a hero and a courageous moment. but now? i'm not really feeling it. i'm feeling regret, frustration, anger, anxiety, and a handful of other negatives. i'm tried of sitting in my bed all day long, alternating between reading a book, messing around on the internet, and watching movies. it's true that any other day i might enjoy these things, but ever since the beginning of this summer i've been going, going, going and active every day all day long and i kinda liked it. i miss the silly little children and riding every day. cliche but, you don't know what you got till its gone. i haven't yet seen the positive side of having this injury, besides for the fact that i wasn't hurt worse.

one of the things i've been truly blessed with during this time is having friends who care. i can't say enough about a couple of people in particular who blew my mind with their kindness, generosity, and selflessness in helping me out. it feels great to know that there are people out there who would sacrifice their time to help someone out. even someone they've only known for a little over a month. i truly have seen the LORD in these people and am so grateful for that. i don't think anything i could do would be enough to repay them. i can definitely say that i've seen the second commandment being lived out in these people. thank you, jesus.

on reality

you know when you get that feeling? like your dreams are your reality and your reality is your dreams? my dreams have been so vivid and life-like recently and my reality has been so surreal that i'm beginning to confuse the two. it's like i'm floating the line between two worlds. during the day i struggle to keep myself grounded. the natural beauty of the place where i'm living makes me feel so connected to the earth, to God and creation. i view the snow-tipped mountains in the distance, the pink and purple clouds at sunset, the rushing waters of the rivers and streams and wonder how i have lived this long without seeing them. it puts me in a dream-like state, where "real life" seems far away and the spirit of joy flows constantly in and out my nostrils. better yet, i get to spend my days riding horses and hearing the laughter of children. i step outside my door and see hundreds of horses of all colors and sizes and smell the sweet, sweet scent of "barn". nothing else puts me more at peace than gazing at horses. i look at them and i wonder what they're thinking, what they "worry" about, what the day in the life of a horse feels like. and if i could communicate with them, what would i say?

and then there's dreaming. which rocks. which puts me in situations i've never been in before and with people that i haven't seen in years. but it feels so real. i wake up and, if only for a few seconds, wonder if my dream actually happened. and i LOVE that feeling. that feeling of not knowing the difference between dreaming and reality. it rocks, too.

so for now i'm content to live in between the two. to not really know the difference. because it feels real good. real good.

on the absence of things

in the very near future looms a time when things that have been consistently in my life will cease to be there anymore, if only for a little while.

baking : being in colorado working at a dude ranch for 3 months probably won't be conducive to much baking. and after that, who knows? i might not time and resources to bake as much as i have been.

usd : despite frequent periods of intense dislike of usd, i do love it so. it's been an enormous source of education, experience, and friendships. it's been the location of many transitions, some hard decisions, and some of the greatest joys i've ever experienced. i'm so blessed and so proud to have been a torero (say it with a very strong spanish accent).

san diego : my home for the past four years. sunshine, beaches, burritos, sea world, hillcrest, pb, balboa park, desert, mountains, sunsets, endless summers. i'll be back, don't you worry.

intervarsity: my community. the place where i feel most welcome and most loved in san diego. the community where my best and most important friendships were formed. i will always remember fondly my years with intervarsity at large groups, community groups, in service projects, retreats, community get togethers, and in leadership. intervarsity has shaped and molded me into the leader that i am today. it has opened my eyes to new ways of seeing faith and helped me become even more convicted in my own beliefs. LOVE.

friends: this one is hardest for me to comprehend. and i don't think i actually will comprehend it until after i'm gone. 'cause i don't really want to understand what it's going to be like to live without my best friends. i could not have predicted the type of friendships i would make in college and what a profound impact they would have on my life, my being, my person. the memories overflow like a river does its banks. so much joy and laughter. so many hugs. so many conversations that have shaped me. feelings are welling up inside me right now that i can't explain. my heart is overwhelmed with love for my beautiful friends. thank you. i'm not me without you.

it's the end of a beginning. and the beginning of a new end.

on that loving feeling

what is love?

the first kiss and the first time that i felt connected to anything.

peace. patience. forgiveness. compassion. selflessness.

i'm not afraid of anything, even time.

dizzying. exploding. aching. powerful.

i pray that something picks me up and sets me down in your warm arms.

joy. passion. yearning.

i could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute.

faith. promise.

just know that these things will never change for us at all.

unconditional.

even if you cannot hear my voice i'll be right beside you, dear.

on getting older

getting older is very strange. it's surreal. it makes me have thoughts. like these..

when you grow up, you have to make all these decisions that may or may not determine how the rest of your life goes - school, career, relationships, where to live, etc. i'd like to think that i am pretty sure of where i want to be and what i want to do, but i'd be lying if i said i never had doubts or second thoughts. i have some people who are pulling me one way and others who are telling me i should go another way. my question is: will i ever really know anything for sure, with 100% of me, that what i'm doing is what i'm "supposed" to be doing? that i'm really following God's call, his will for me? part of me thinks i can never be sure of this until i'm actually there. because as much as i try to discern what's from God and what are just my own selfish desires, i can't ever feel 100% confident about my decisions until i've made them. right? so, i guess that means that i need to be more brave, to take risks knowing that Jesus is with me no matter where i end up.

spending this past weekend with my parents made me realize even more how much i love them and how valuable they are to me. a couple of times during the weekend i randomly wondered how long my parents would be here, on this earth, with me. i mean, i don't know how long they will be living. sounds morbid, but it's true. and it's scary. what if that was the last time i ever saw my parents? it's a reality of life that we - i - often take for granted. i go through my day assuming that i will see all my friends again, but that's not necessarily true. life is fragile. love is forever.

it reminds me of something that scott said in his talk last week: if we aren't who we want to be now, how will we ever truly be who we want to be? what's holding us back from being who we want to be NOW? if we don't strive to love completely, fully, and wholly now, when will we? why do we hold back? what if we never get the chance? now is the chance to be who we want to be, to love like we want to love. the kingdom of God is now. what're we waiting for?

on a lack of butter

distraction begets error.

on the way to making delicious chocolate chip peppermint cookies for intervarsity tomorrow night, my error was not enough butter. 1/4 cup of butter is not the same as 3/4 cups of butter. when the dough seems to not be sticking together, when it's all falling apart and flaky, you know something's wrong. you know you haven't put enough butter in the dough.

they're in the oven right now. i figured i might as well try and see if they still actually taste good. and if they do, they might actually be less fattening (less butter, less fat!).

i think there's a lack of butter in my life right now. i feel flaky. i feel like i may fall apart at any minute. i need some more fat to hold me together.

less distraction. less error. more fat.