on life purpose

i went to mass today (walked, actually) and heard a pretty decent homily. decent homilies are often hard to come by, in my opinion. a lot of the time i feel like i'm hearing the same thing over and over again. or the priest just decides to retell the gospel story, adding a few tidbits here and there. but today the priest's homily hit me close to home. he talked about discerning your calling from God, your life's purpose as God wills it. this is something that i feel like i've struggled to find for many years and am still struggling with. the priest urged the congregation to really listen to/for God's voice: where is He sending YOU? in the gospel reading today, Jesus sends out his disciples two by two on a mission to spread the gospel, instructing them to take nothing with them but the shoes on their feet and a walking stick. no money, no extra clothes, no food. they were to rely on the hospitality of the homes, the cities and towns where they stayed in. in his homily, the priest noted that their is a distinction between what God's purpose/calling for us is and what we ascertain to be the best for us. God only knows the best for us. and His plan is so much more exciting and promising and more full than our own.

and so i sit here and wonder if i'm really listening for God's plan for my life, for God's will, and not my own. i am desperate for knowledge of His will. i will have to make so many decisions in the next year, my last year of undergrad: will i go to grad school right after graduation? will i stay in san diego? am i picking the right career? ... i guess it takes patience. time. prayer. because i SO want to do God's will in my life. i want to serve Him in the best way possible. i want to my work to be for His glory. but how exactly i do that isn't clear to me right now. i have my own ideas, yeah, but what if they're not in line with His? i guess the uncertainties scare me. they make me anxious. what can i say? i'm future-oriented. in the past year, i've done well in suppressing that "strength" of mine. but now it's beginning to burst from within me, like a ticking time bomb. my brain won't stop asking "what's next?"

don't you wish you could just know?