there are many things i would like to fix/change right now, but can’t, or won’t, or just don’t feel like it. i’d like to change the way i’m eating...or perhaps what’s more accurate to say is i’d like to change how much dessert i’m eating. it’s probably not great that i’m eating dessert two, mostly three times a day. but i feel like i can’t control myself at all when it comes to sweets. especially when it’s right there in front of me and looks absolutely delicious. every day i think to myself, this is the day. no desserts. or only one dessert. because every day i look at myself in the mirror and am disappointed by the way i look. mostly because i judge myself against others. like everyone else who i live with and then some. with their bronzed, skinny bodies that look amazing in a bikini. i like to think that i don’t care about how i look, that i actually don’t judge myself against others and that i love me for me. but, seriously. who am i kidding? there are things about me that i want to change. ‘cause i feel like the one-who’s-the-least-pretty-in-the-doghouse. or maybe even the least-pretty-of-all-the-counselors. and it kinda hurts. and i hate that i’m thinking that way, but it just happens. ‘cause i constantly judge myself against others. man why the heck do i do that? i find myself trying to find flaws in other people just to make myself feel better. like, well she’s got an ugly nose and i don’t really, so it’s all okay. or at least i’m prettier than her. even just typing this out right now makes me feel silly. but that’s the truth and heck if i need to know the truth. ‘cause the truth is the truth and of course it’s not always pretty. but i guess it’s important to acknowledge. but i’m not sure what to do about it.
something else i’d like to change: missing texas. missing my family. missing san diego. missing my friends there. (okay, that’s a lot of things) which leads to feeling out of place here. even though it’s great here. it really is. i mean, it’s work, but it’s also play. it’s colorado. it’s gorgeous. there’s mountains, there’s afternoon rainstorms, there’s horses, and there’s tons of stars. and laughter. and good people. i do like stars a lot. but i still don’t feel completely comfortable here. it’s like freshman year of college. back and forth. up and down. feeling left out and not in. feeling unsure of myself. feeling like i need to do things that i don’t really want to do just to feel in. to feel. okay. liked.
i'd like to make my mind shut down so i can stop thinking about these things. stop thinking about the silly things i want to change about myself. it's not worth it. it's really not. sometimes i lie in bed just thinking about how i would like to feel. and then i listen to music and imagine situations in my head that make me feel better. is that weird? do other people do that? sometimes reality just bites and the imagined life is much better. but where would i be, who would i be if i didn't accept reality? if i didn't embrace it, love it, and live in it. for reals.
it's beginning to get to me.
