on getting older

getting older is very strange. it's surreal. it makes me have thoughts. like these..

when you grow up, you have to make all these decisions that may or may not determine how the rest of your life goes - school, career, relationships, where to live, etc. i'd like to think that i am pretty sure of where i want to be and what i want to do, but i'd be lying if i said i never had doubts or second thoughts. i have some people who are pulling me one way and others who are telling me i should go another way. my question is: will i ever really know anything for sure, with 100% of me, that what i'm doing is what i'm "supposed" to be doing? that i'm really following God's call, his will for me? part of me thinks i can never be sure of this until i'm actually there. because as much as i try to discern what's from God and what are just my own selfish desires, i can't ever feel 100% confident about my decisions until i've made them. right? so, i guess that means that i need to be more brave, to take risks knowing that Jesus is with me no matter where i end up.

spending this past weekend with my parents made me realize even more how much i love them and how valuable they are to me. a couple of times during the weekend i randomly wondered how long my parents would be here, on this earth, with me. i mean, i don't know how long they will be living. sounds morbid, but it's true. and it's scary. what if that was the last time i ever saw my parents? it's a reality of life that we - i - often take for granted. i go through my day assuming that i will see all my friends again, but that's not necessarily true. life is fragile. love is forever.

it reminds me of something that scott said in his talk last week: if we aren't who we want to be now, how will we ever truly be who we want to be? what's holding us back from being who we want to be NOW? if we don't strive to love completely, fully, and wholly now, when will we? why do we hold back? what if we never get the chance? now is the chance to be who we want to be, to love like we want to love. the kingdom of God is now. what're we waiting for?

on a lack of butter

distraction begets error.

on the way to making delicious chocolate chip peppermint cookies for intervarsity tomorrow night, my error was not enough butter. 1/4 cup of butter is not the same as 3/4 cups of butter. when the dough seems to not be sticking together, when it's all falling apart and flaky, you know something's wrong. you know you haven't put enough butter in the dough.

they're in the oven right now. i figured i might as well try and see if they still actually taste good. and if they do, they might actually be less fattening (less butter, less fat!).

i think there's a lack of butter in my life right now. i feel flaky. i feel like i may fall apart at any minute. i need some more fat to hold me together.

less distraction. less error. more fat.

on a future not our own

it helps now and then to step back and take a long view.

The Kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,

it is beyond our vision.

We accomplish in our lifetime only a fraction

of the magnificent enterprise that is God's work.

Northing we do is complete, which is another way of

saying that the kingdom always lies beyond us.

No statement says all that could be said.

No prayer fully expresses our faith. No confession

brings perfection, no pastoral visit brings wholeness.

No program accomplishes the Church's mission.

No set of goals and objectives includes everything.

This is what we are about. We plant the seeds that one

day will grow. We water the seeds already planted

knowing that they hold future promise.

We lay foundations that will need further development.

We provide yeast that produces effects

far beyond our capabilities.

We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of

liberation in realizing this.

This enables us to do something, and to do it very well.

It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning,

a step along the way, an opportunity for the Lord's

grace to enter and do the rest.

We may never see the end results, but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker.

We are workers, not master builders, ministers, not

messiahs. We are prophets of a future not our own.

- Archbishop Oscar Romero

on community

community :. friends, fellowship, support, encouragement, trust, affirmation, sacrifice, love.

i cannot express the overwhelming sense of community i feel right now. from all around. in many ways, in many parts of my life. it's amazing. being in tijuana for a week changed my ordinary definition of community into something extraordinary. my experiences literally redefined the term for me. i felt a renewed sense of what it means to be in community. and i'm still feeling it.

and in my theology class, i'm discovering how jesus defined community. it's something so beautiful that it almost seems unattainable. it's everyone together, sharing, listening, eating, including, not judging, as equals. as the children of one God. no one feels excluded or left out. no one is lesser. no one is first. no one needs. everyone provides.

as i head closer and closer to leaving the communities that i so cherish, i find myself clinging more and more tightly to them and becoming more and more anxious to separate myself from them. and each day my love for the people in these communities grows. and this love fills me with a joy that is so full. full of life. oh, how i love to feel this joy and long for it to spread to all those around me.

thank you, LORD. i am full.

on priveledge

tijuana spring breakthrough was a challenging, inspiring, fruitful, and REAL experience for me. i saw so many things and met so many people that have really made me think and reflect on my priveledge - the blessings i have that i did nothing to deserve.

honestly, i felt a lot of guilt while in mexico. how different my life is from many of those i met in tijuana. and only because i was born into a different situation, a different environment, family, country than these beautiful people. as we drove through the unpaved streets of communities like maclovia rojas and la morita, where the people live in tiny homes along unpaved streets, i couldn't help but think whether or not i could be happy living in the conditions the people of those communities live in. i wondered whether or not i would willingly give up every luxury i have - my iphone, my ipod, my laptop, a soft, warm bed, running water, a washer and dryer, an abundance of clothes, a tv, my car - and live more simply. and i found myself feeling so guilty because i just couldn't imagine it.

a certain scripture passage kept entering my mind this past week:

matthew 19:21

Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

jesus' words just kept playing over and over again in my head. i am struggling to discern what this means. the most outstanding point that i get from this passage is that jesus says to sell your possessions and give to the poor FIRST and THEN come and follow him. and i believe that jesus meant what he said.

the possessions that i have are nothing. they are objects, creations of the world. they are not friendship, fellowship, love, and community. they are not faith. they don't/shouldn't determine who i am.

on the ups and downs of baking

i've been baking a lot. two, maybe three times a week. it's pretty amazing. i've been trying some new recipes, too. most have been fabulously successful and i'm sure the ones that weren't successful would have been if i'd know a little more about baking.

example #1:

a little over a week ago i tried out a new banana bread recipe. i know, i know. why? why would i do such a thing when the recipe i have has been using from the beginning, the recipe that started it all, the recipe that fills tummies with pure joy each time it's baked, is pretty much PERFECT?...well, i'd been browsing other recipes, perhaps sinfully, and thought that maybe it was time to break away from the tried and true and enter unknown territory. i found this wonderful sounding oatmeal banana bread recipe on a baking blog that i follow and since i had three bananas sitting around, i thought i'd give it a whirl. i was skeptical of my ability to follow this recipe since it called for egg whites to be beaten until stiff peaks form. okay, so this technique was a little out of my league. up until now, i'd stuck to the simple crack-the-egg-in-the-bowl kind of recipe. but gosh darn it if i'm ever going to be a real baker i need to learn new things! so i tried. i tried very hard to maneuver the egg whites out of the shell and into the bowl while keeping the yolk out. turns out that's not as easy as it might sound. so my two egg whites had a few egg yellows floating around with them. i thought i could get by with this small error, but, alas, i beat those eggs into oblivion and no stiff peaks formed. all they did was get really foamy and more yellow-y looking. well, dang. i wasn't going to just toss out everything i'd already done so far so i just tossed my well-beaten half-egg whites, half-yolks into the batter and hoped for the best. now, the bread came out looking like bread and was even edible. yet it didn't have the gooey moistness of the bread i usually make - it was dry by day 2. i guess this could just be because this recipe didn't have as much butter and oil in it as the one i usually use, but my heart tells me it was because of my egg white failure.

lesson learned: buy an egg-separator thingy. and learn how to make stiff peaks.

example #2:

this evening i decided to make oatmeal raisin cookies for iv tomorrow night. i love to bake and share my goodies with others. as with the banana bread, i found a delicious sounding oatmeal raisin cookie recipe on a baking blog. making the batter was no problemo. the best part was adding the 3 CUPS of oatmeal and 2 CUPS of raisins! yessss. the instructions told me to line a cookie sheet with parchment paper and stick 'em in the oven for 16-18 minutes. easy, right? well, okay. i have a confession to make. or maybe i general piece of knowledge to spread. parchment paper DOES NOT equal wax paper. in fact, baking with wax paper causes serious problems. yeah, i put those two cookie sheets lined with wax paper in the oven and what do you know? smoke begins to billow out of the oven and our fire alarm goes off. at this point i am still unaware of the effect heat has on wax paper, so i blame it on the raisins. (note: this is actually good reasoning because last time i baked cookies with raisins, that same thing happened. oh, yeah, and those cookies were on wax paper, too) it was not until the final batch of cookies were baking and i had opened all the windows in the condo, stood under the fire alarm waving a towel at it so it wouldn't go off, and cursed at the oven numerous times that my roommate, fran, finally helped me realize that maybe it was the WAX PAPER. maybe it was her comment that her room smelled like burning crayons that finally clicked off a light in my brain. ahh. WAX paper. it probably melts under heat. and it's probably NOT the same as parchment paper.

lesson learned: don't bake with wax paper. and don't blame it on the raisins.

the oatmeal raisin cookies turned out fine. they might be poisoned by melting wax, but i've eaten two and haven't perished thus yet, so hopefully they're okay. i guess i need to expand my baking knowledge. i can follow a recipe, but i don't know much of anything about technique or what certain ingredients do to a recipe. i'd love to take a class someday.

ah, well. without mistakes we'd never learn, right?

on pandora and other simple joys

okay, pandora. how in the heck do you do it? everytime i listen to you, you amaze me with your ability to select the best songs and work in those ones that are my favorites. i could listen to you for hours and never get bored. may the LORD bless your creativity, freeness, and ability to provide hours of entertainment. ptl for pandora!

other things i take delight in:

licking the spoon/bowl after (and before) baking

shopping at trader joe's

rain showers

running without headphones in my ears

reading baking blogs

browsing used book stores

dreaming

the smell and sounds of horses