on the absence of things

in the very near future looms a time when things that have been consistently in my life will cease to be there anymore, if only for a little while.

baking : being in colorado working at a dude ranch for 3 months probably won't be conducive to much baking. and after that, who knows? i might not time and resources to bake as much as i have been.

usd : despite frequent periods of intense dislike of usd, i do love it so. it's been an enormous source of education, experience, and friendships. it's been the location of many transitions, some hard decisions, and some of the greatest joys i've ever experienced. i'm so blessed and so proud to have been a torero (say it with a very strong spanish accent).

san diego : my home for the past four years. sunshine, beaches, burritos, sea world, hillcrest, pb, balboa park, desert, mountains, sunsets, endless summers. i'll be back, don't you worry.

intervarsity: my community. the place where i feel most welcome and most loved in san diego. the community where my best and most important friendships were formed. i will always remember fondly my years with intervarsity at large groups, community groups, in service projects, retreats, community get togethers, and in leadership. intervarsity has shaped and molded me into the leader that i am today. it has opened my eyes to new ways of seeing faith and helped me become even more convicted in my own beliefs. LOVE.

friends: this one is hardest for me to comprehend. and i don't think i actually will comprehend it until after i'm gone. 'cause i don't really want to understand what it's going to be like to live without my best friends. i could not have predicted the type of friendships i would make in college and what a profound impact they would have on my life, my being, my person. the memories overflow like a river does its banks. so much joy and laughter. so many hugs. so many conversations that have shaped me. feelings are welling up inside me right now that i can't explain. my heart is overwhelmed with love for my beautiful friends. thank you. i'm not me without you.

it's the end of a beginning. and the beginning of a new end.

on that loving feeling

what is love?

the first kiss and the first time that i felt connected to anything.

peace. patience. forgiveness. compassion. selflessness.

i'm not afraid of anything, even time.

dizzying. exploding. aching. powerful.

i pray that something picks me up and sets me down in your warm arms.

joy. passion. yearning.

i could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute.

faith. promise.

just know that these things will never change for us at all.

unconditional.

even if you cannot hear my voice i'll be right beside you, dear.

on getting older

getting older is very strange. it's surreal. it makes me have thoughts. like these..

when you grow up, you have to make all these decisions that may or may not determine how the rest of your life goes - school, career, relationships, where to live, etc. i'd like to think that i am pretty sure of where i want to be and what i want to do, but i'd be lying if i said i never had doubts or second thoughts. i have some people who are pulling me one way and others who are telling me i should go another way. my question is: will i ever really know anything for sure, with 100% of me, that what i'm doing is what i'm "supposed" to be doing? that i'm really following God's call, his will for me? part of me thinks i can never be sure of this until i'm actually there. because as much as i try to discern what's from God and what are just my own selfish desires, i can't ever feel 100% confident about my decisions until i've made them. right? so, i guess that means that i need to be more brave, to take risks knowing that Jesus is with me no matter where i end up.

spending this past weekend with my parents made me realize even more how much i love them and how valuable they are to me. a couple of times during the weekend i randomly wondered how long my parents would be here, on this earth, with me. i mean, i don't know how long they will be living. sounds morbid, but it's true. and it's scary. what if that was the last time i ever saw my parents? it's a reality of life that we - i - often take for granted. i go through my day assuming that i will see all my friends again, but that's not necessarily true. life is fragile. love is forever.

it reminds me of something that scott said in his talk last week: if we aren't who we want to be now, how will we ever truly be who we want to be? what's holding us back from being who we want to be NOW? if we don't strive to love completely, fully, and wholly now, when will we? why do we hold back? what if we never get the chance? now is the chance to be who we want to be, to love like we want to love. the kingdom of God is now. what're we waiting for?

on a lack of butter

distraction begets error.

on the way to making delicious chocolate chip peppermint cookies for intervarsity tomorrow night, my error was not enough butter. 1/4 cup of butter is not the same as 3/4 cups of butter. when the dough seems to not be sticking together, when it's all falling apart and flaky, you know something's wrong. you know you haven't put enough butter in the dough.

they're in the oven right now. i figured i might as well try and see if they still actually taste good. and if they do, they might actually be less fattening (less butter, less fat!).

i think there's a lack of butter in my life right now. i feel flaky. i feel like i may fall apart at any minute. i need some more fat to hold me together.

less distraction. less error. more fat.

on a future not our own

it helps now and then to step back and take a long view.

The Kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,

it is beyond our vision.

We accomplish in our lifetime only a fraction

of the magnificent enterprise that is God's work.

Northing we do is complete, which is another way of

saying that the kingdom always lies beyond us.

No statement says all that could be said.

No prayer fully expresses our faith. No confession

brings perfection, no pastoral visit brings wholeness.

No program accomplishes the Church's mission.

No set of goals and objectives includes everything.

This is what we are about. We plant the seeds that one

day will grow. We water the seeds already planted

knowing that they hold future promise.

We lay foundations that will need further development.

We provide yeast that produces effects

far beyond our capabilities.

We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of

liberation in realizing this.

This enables us to do something, and to do it very well.

It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning,

a step along the way, an opportunity for the Lord's

grace to enter and do the rest.

We may never see the end results, but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker.

We are workers, not master builders, ministers, not

messiahs. We are prophets of a future not our own.

- Archbishop Oscar Romero

on community

community :. friends, fellowship, support, encouragement, trust, affirmation, sacrifice, love.

i cannot express the overwhelming sense of community i feel right now. from all around. in many ways, in many parts of my life. it's amazing. being in tijuana for a week changed my ordinary definition of community into something extraordinary. my experiences literally redefined the term for me. i felt a renewed sense of what it means to be in community. and i'm still feeling it.

and in my theology class, i'm discovering how jesus defined community. it's something so beautiful that it almost seems unattainable. it's everyone together, sharing, listening, eating, including, not judging, as equals. as the children of one God. no one feels excluded or left out. no one is lesser. no one is first. no one needs. everyone provides.

as i head closer and closer to leaving the communities that i so cherish, i find myself clinging more and more tightly to them and becoming more and more anxious to separate myself from them. and each day my love for the people in these communities grows. and this love fills me with a joy that is so full. full of life. oh, how i love to feel this joy and long for it to spread to all those around me.

thank you, LORD. i am full.

on priveledge

tijuana spring breakthrough was a challenging, inspiring, fruitful, and REAL experience for me. i saw so many things and met so many people that have really made me think and reflect on my priveledge - the blessings i have that i did nothing to deserve.

honestly, i felt a lot of guilt while in mexico. how different my life is from many of those i met in tijuana. and only because i was born into a different situation, a different environment, family, country than these beautiful people. as we drove through the unpaved streets of communities like maclovia rojas and la morita, where the people live in tiny homes along unpaved streets, i couldn't help but think whether or not i could be happy living in the conditions the people of those communities live in. i wondered whether or not i would willingly give up every luxury i have - my iphone, my ipod, my laptop, a soft, warm bed, running water, a washer and dryer, an abundance of clothes, a tv, my car - and live more simply. and i found myself feeling so guilty because i just couldn't imagine it.

a certain scripture passage kept entering my mind this past week:

matthew 19:21

Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

jesus' words just kept playing over and over again in my head. i am struggling to discern what this means. the most outstanding point that i get from this passage is that jesus says to sell your possessions and give to the poor FIRST and THEN come and follow him. and i believe that jesus meant what he said.

the possessions that i have are nothing. they are objects, creations of the world. they are not friendship, fellowship, love, and community. they are not faith. they don't/shouldn't determine who i am.