on more changes

it's starting to become fall. which is pretty much my favorite season of the year. and this time i will not be in san diego, where "fall" involves the temperature MAYBE dropping a few degrees and less and less people hanging out on the beach. nope, this year i will be in real fall territory. there will be changing of leaves (albeit probably for only like two weeks), lots of playing of (good) football, and a considerable change of temperature requiring the wearing of long sleeves, sweaters, and closed-toed shoes (which never really happens in san diego). i will be in texas. like i wanted to be. and it kinda feels like life before college, except i have less friends here, i don't go to school, my mom and dad don't pay for everything, and i have to have a real job soon. thinking about starting a LIFE, a real life, is a little bit scary and a lot bit exciting. right now, though, i feel like i'm in an in-between stage. i'm sort of still dependent. i don't really have an income yet. i don't have my own place to live. i don't have a dog. i don't have bills with my name on them. it's kinda like i'm in the bull pen, you know, getting ready to step up to home plate and see if i can knock whatever life throws at me out of the part. i'm in the bull pen. preparing. thinking. learning. mustering courage and warming myself up for the hard parts. (baseball reference? okay. i don't even like/watch baseball.)

lots of exciting things are happening to my friends, too. some are staying and some are going, but they're all doing something really amazing. i can't believe what wonderful friends i have, all of whom are passionate about something and are reaching out to pursue that passion, whatever it looks like. i know our relationships will change. not that they will get worse, but they will be different. from a few minutes away to a thousand miles apart, the change in distance is hard. but it puts me at peace to know that we are all pursuing our dreams and doing hard stuff and succeeding. and i will always love them the most. because they were the ones that were there in the most amazing four years of my life thus far. they were there through the anxieties, the hard questions, the uncertanties, the good and bad relationships, the joyful triumphs. as cheesy as it may sound, i really discovered myself over the past four years and i have to thank my friends for holding my hand through that journey. who knows if i'll ever experience that kind of friendship again.

but i'm moving on. i'm starting somewhere new where i don't know anyone. just like freshman year in college. but because i have had that experience, i feel even more confident that i will be successful in my new place. i may not like it. it may be the hardest thing i've ever done. but i am prepared for that because of the last four years. because of the classes i took. because of the professors that taught me. because of the people that surrounded me. because of the place that i lived. because of the community i was a part of.

on things i'd like to change

here. let's be honest. like veritaserum honest.

there are many things i would like to fix/change right now, but can’t, or won’t, or just don’t feel like it. i’d like to change the way i’m eating...or perhaps what’s more accurate to say is i’d like to change how much dessert i’m eating. it’s probably not great that i’m eating dessert two, mostly three times a day. but i feel like i can’t control myself at all when it comes to sweets. especially when it’s right there in front of me and looks absolutely delicious. every day i think to myself, this is the day. no desserts. or only one dessert. because every day i look at myself in the mirror and am disappointed by the way i look. mostly because i judge myself against others. like everyone else who i live with and then some. with their bronzed, skinny bodies that look amazing in a bikini. i like to think that i don’t care about how i look, that i actually don’t judge myself against others and that i love me for me. but, seriously. who am i kidding? there are things about me that i want to change. ‘cause i feel like the one-who’s-the-least-pretty-in-the-doghouse. or maybe even the least-pretty-of-all-the-counselors. and it kinda hurts. and i hate that i’m thinking that way, but it just happens. ‘cause i constantly judge myself against others. man why the heck do i do that? i find myself trying to find flaws in other people just to make myself feel better. like, well she’s got an ugly nose and i don’t really, so it’s all okay. or at least i’m prettier than her. even just typing this out right now makes me feel silly. but that’s the truth and heck if i need to know the truth. ‘cause the truth is the truth and of course it’s not always pretty. but i guess it’s important to acknowledge. but i’m not sure what to do about it.

something else i’d like to change: missing texas. missing my family. missing san diego. missing my friends there. (okay, that’s a lot of things) which leads to feeling out of place here. even though it’s great here. it really is. i mean, it’s work, but it’s also play. it’s colorado. it’s gorgeous. there’s mountains, there’s afternoon rainstorms, there’s horses, and there’s tons of stars. and laughter. and good people. i do like stars a lot. but i still don’t feel completely comfortable here. it’s like freshman year of college. back and forth. up and down. feeling left out and not in. feeling unsure of myself. feeling like i need to do things that i don’t really want to do just to feel in. to feel. okay. liked.

i'd like to make my mind shut down so i can stop thinking about these things. stop thinking about the silly things i want to change about myself. it's not worth it. it's really not. sometimes i lie in bed just thinking about how i would like to feel. and then i listen to music and imagine situations in my head that make me feel better. is that weird? do other people do that? sometimes reality just bites and the imagined life is much better. but where would i be, who would i be if i didn't accept reality? if i didn't embrace it, love it, and live in it. for reals.

it's beginning to get to me.

on accidents

they happen, right? it's just part of life. it's just one of those things. can't do anything about it. it could have been worse. you're lucky. you'll have a great story to tell.

this is going to sound horrible, but right now i am feeling sorry for myself. oh, i was doing well in the beginning. it was actually kinda cool to get stitches and have some narly looking wounds on my leg. and the story of how it happened was fun to tell - complete with a hero and a courageous moment. but now? i'm not really feeling it. i'm feeling regret, frustration, anger, anxiety, and a handful of other negatives. i'm tried of sitting in my bed all day long, alternating between reading a book, messing around on the internet, and watching movies. it's true that any other day i might enjoy these things, but ever since the beginning of this summer i've been going, going, going and active every day all day long and i kinda liked it. i miss the silly little children and riding every day. cliche but, you don't know what you got till its gone. i haven't yet seen the positive side of having this injury, besides for the fact that i wasn't hurt worse.

one of the things i've been truly blessed with during this time is having friends who care. i can't say enough about a couple of people in particular who blew my mind with their kindness, generosity, and selflessness in helping me out. it feels great to know that there are people out there who would sacrifice their time to help someone out. even someone they've only known for a little over a month. i truly have seen the LORD in these people and am so grateful for that. i don't think anything i could do would be enough to repay them. i can definitely say that i've seen the second commandment being lived out in these people. thank you, jesus.

on reality

you know when you get that feeling? like your dreams are your reality and your reality is your dreams? my dreams have been so vivid and life-like recently and my reality has been so surreal that i'm beginning to confuse the two. it's like i'm floating the line between two worlds. during the day i struggle to keep myself grounded. the natural beauty of the place where i'm living makes me feel so connected to the earth, to God and creation. i view the snow-tipped mountains in the distance, the pink and purple clouds at sunset, the rushing waters of the rivers and streams and wonder how i have lived this long without seeing them. it puts me in a dream-like state, where "real life" seems far away and the spirit of joy flows constantly in and out my nostrils. better yet, i get to spend my days riding horses and hearing the laughter of children. i step outside my door and see hundreds of horses of all colors and sizes and smell the sweet, sweet scent of "barn". nothing else puts me more at peace than gazing at horses. i look at them and i wonder what they're thinking, what they "worry" about, what the day in the life of a horse feels like. and if i could communicate with them, what would i say?

and then there's dreaming. which rocks. which puts me in situations i've never been in before and with people that i haven't seen in years. but it feels so real. i wake up and, if only for a few seconds, wonder if my dream actually happened. and i LOVE that feeling. that feeling of not knowing the difference between dreaming and reality. it rocks, too.

so for now i'm content to live in between the two. to not really know the difference. because it feels real good. real good.

on the absence of things

in the very near future looms a time when things that have been consistently in my life will cease to be there anymore, if only for a little while.

baking : being in colorado working at a dude ranch for 3 months probably won't be conducive to much baking. and after that, who knows? i might not time and resources to bake as much as i have been.

usd : despite frequent periods of intense dislike of usd, i do love it so. it's been an enormous source of education, experience, and friendships. it's been the location of many transitions, some hard decisions, and some of the greatest joys i've ever experienced. i'm so blessed and so proud to have been a torero (say it with a very strong spanish accent).

san diego : my home for the past four years. sunshine, beaches, burritos, sea world, hillcrest, pb, balboa park, desert, mountains, sunsets, endless summers. i'll be back, don't you worry.

intervarsity: my community. the place where i feel most welcome and most loved in san diego. the community where my best and most important friendships were formed. i will always remember fondly my years with intervarsity at large groups, community groups, in service projects, retreats, community get togethers, and in leadership. intervarsity has shaped and molded me into the leader that i am today. it has opened my eyes to new ways of seeing faith and helped me become even more convicted in my own beliefs. LOVE.

friends: this one is hardest for me to comprehend. and i don't think i actually will comprehend it until after i'm gone. 'cause i don't really want to understand what it's going to be like to live without my best friends. i could not have predicted the type of friendships i would make in college and what a profound impact they would have on my life, my being, my person. the memories overflow like a river does its banks. so much joy and laughter. so many hugs. so many conversations that have shaped me. feelings are welling up inside me right now that i can't explain. my heart is overwhelmed with love for my beautiful friends. thank you. i'm not me without you.

it's the end of a beginning. and the beginning of a new end.

on that loving feeling

what is love?

the first kiss and the first time that i felt connected to anything.

peace. patience. forgiveness. compassion. selflessness.

i'm not afraid of anything, even time.

dizzying. exploding. aching. powerful.

i pray that something picks me up and sets me down in your warm arms.

joy. passion. yearning.

i could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute.

faith. promise.

just know that these things will never change for us at all.

unconditional.

even if you cannot hear my voice i'll be right beside you, dear.

on getting older

getting older is very strange. it's surreal. it makes me have thoughts. like these..

when you grow up, you have to make all these decisions that may or may not determine how the rest of your life goes - school, career, relationships, where to live, etc. i'd like to think that i am pretty sure of where i want to be and what i want to do, but i'd be lying if i said i never had doubts or second thoughts. i have some people who are pulling me one way and others who are telling me i should go another way. my question is: will i ever really know anything for sure, with 100% of me, that what i'm doing is what i'm "supposed" to be doing? that i'm really following God's call, his will for me? part of me thinks i can never be sure of this until i'm actually there. because as much as i try to discern what's from God and what are just my own selfish desires, i can't ever feel 100% confident about my decisions until i've made them. right? so, i guess that means that i need to be more brave, to take risks knowing that Jesus is with me no matter where i end up.

spending this past weekend with my parents made me realize even more how much i love them and how valuable they are to me. a couple of times during the weekend i randomly wondered how long my parents would be here, on this earth, with me. i mean, i don't know how long they will be living. sounds morbid, but it's true. and it's scary. what if that was the last time i ever saw my parents? it's a reality of life that we - i - often take for granted. i go through my day assuming that i will see all my friends again, but that's not necessarily true. life is fragile. love is forever.

it reminds me of something that scott said in his talk last week: if we aren't who we want to be now, how will we ever truly be who we want to be? what's holding us back from being who we want to be NOW? if we don't strive to love completely, fully, and wholly now, when will we? why do we hold back? what if we never get the chance? now is the chance to be who we want to be, to love like we want to love. the kingdom of God is now. what're we waiting for?

on a lack of butter

distraction begets error.

on the way to making delicious chocolate chip peppermint cookies for intervarsity tomorrow night, my error was not enough butter. 1/4 cup of butter is not the same as 3/4 cups of butter. when the dough seems to not be sticking together, when it's all falling apart and flaky, you know something's wrong. you know you haven't put enough butter in the dough.

they're in the oven right now. i figured i might as well try and see if they still actually taste good. and if they do, they might actually be less fattening (less butter, less fat!).

i think there's a lack of butter in my life right now. i feel flaky. i feel like i may fall apart at any minute. i need some more fat to hold me together.

less distraction. less error. more fat.

on a future not our own

it helps now and then to step back and take a long view.

The Kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,

it is beyond our vision.

We accomplish in our lifetime only a fraction

of the magnificent enterprise that is God's work.

Northing we do is complete, which is another way of

saying that the kingdom always lies beyond us.

No statement says all that could be said.

No prayer fully expresses our faith. No confession

brings perfection, no pastoral visit brings wholeness.

No program accomplishes the Church's mission.

No set of goals and objectives includes everything.

This is what we are about. We plant the seeds that one

day will grow. We water the seeds already planted

knowing that they hold future promise.

We lay foundations that will need further development.

We provide yeast that produces effects

far beyond our capabilities.

We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of

liberation in realizing this.

This enables us to do something, and to do it very well.

It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning,

a step along the way, an opportunity for the Lord's

grace to enter and do the rest.

We may never see the end results, but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker.

We are workers, not master builders, ministers, not

messiahs. We are prophets of a future not our own.

- Archbishop Oscar Romero

on community

community :. friends, fellowship, support, encouragement, trust, affirmation, sacrifice, love.

i cannot express the overwhelming sense of community i feel right now. from all around. in many ways, in many parts of my life. it's amazing. being in tijuana for a week changed my ordinary definition of community into something extraordinary. my experiences literally redefined the term for me. i felt a renewed sense of what it means to be in community. and i'm still feeling it.

and in my theology class, i'm discovering how jesus defined community. it's something so beautiful that it almost seems unattainable. it's everyone together, sharing, listening, eating, including, not judging, as equals. as the children of one God. no one feels excluded or left out. no one is lesser. no one is first. no one needs. everyone provides.

as i head closer and closer to leaving the communities that i so cherish, i find myself clinging more and more tightly to them and becoming more and more anxious to separate myself from them. and each day my love for the people in these communities grows. and this love fills me with a joy that is so full. full of life. oh, how i love to feel this joy and long for it to spread to all those around me.

thank you, LORD. i am full.

on priveledge

tijuana spring breakthrough was a challenging, inspiring, fruitful, and REAL experience for me. i saw so many things and met so many people that have really made me think and reflect on my priveledge - the blessings i have that i did nothing to deserve.

honestly, i felt a lot of guilt while in mexico. how different my life is from many of those i met in tijuana. and only because i was born into a different situation, a different environment, family, country than these beautiful people. as we drove through the unpaved streets of communities like maclovia rojas and la morita, where the people live in tiny homes along unpaved streets, i couldn't help but think whether or not i could be happy living in the conditions the people of those communities live in. i wondered whether or not i would willingly give up every luxury i have - my iphone, my ipod, my laptop, a soft, warm bed, running water, a washer and dryer, an abundance of clothes, a tv, my car - and live more simply. and i found myself feeling so guilty because i just couldn't imagine it.

a certain scripture passage kept entering my mind this past week:

matthew 19:21

Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

jesus' words just kept playing over and over again in my head. i am struggling to discern what this means. the most outstanding point that i get from this passage is that jesus says to sell your possessions and give to the poor FIRST and THEN come and follow him. and i believe that jesus meant what he said.

the possessions that i have are nothing. they are objects, creations of the world. they are not friendship, fellowship, love, and community. they are not faith. they don't/shouldn't determine who i am.

on the ups and downs of baking

i've been baking a lot. two, maybe three times a week. it's pretty amazing. i've been trying some new recipes, too. most have been fabulously successful and i'm sure the ones that weren't successful would have been if i'd know a little more about baking.

example #1:

a little over a week ago i tried out a new banana bread recipe. i know, i know. why? why would i do such a thing when the recipe i have has been using from the beginning, the recipe that started it all, the recipe that fills tummies with pure joy each time it's baked, is pretty much PERFECT?...well, i'd been browsing other recipes, perhaps sinfully, and thought that maybe it was time to break away from the tried and true and enter unknown territory. i found this wonderful sounding oatmeal banana bread recipe on a baking blog that i follow and since i had three bananas sitting around, i thought i'd give it a whirl. i was skeptical of my ability to follow this recipe since it called for egg whites to be beaten until stiff peaks form. okay, so this technique was a little out of my league. up until now, i'd stuck to the simple crack-the-egg-in-the-bowl kind of recipe. but gosh darn it if i'm ever going to be a real baker i need to learn new things! so i tried. i tried very hard to maneuver the egg whites out of the shell and into the bowl while keeping the yolk out. turns out that's not as easy as it might sound. so my two egg whites had a few egg yellows floating around with them. i thought i could get by with this small error, but, alas, i beat those eggs into oblivion and no stiff peaks formed. all they did was get really foamy and more yellow-y looking. well, dang. i wasn't going to just toss out everything i'd already done so far so i just tossed my well-beaten half-egg whites, half-yolks into the batter and hoped for the best. now, the bread came out looking like bread and was even edible. yet it didn't have the gooey moistness of the bread i usually make - it was dry by day 2. i guess this could just be because this recipe didn't have as much butter and oil in it as the one i usually use, but my heart tells me it was because of my egg white failure.

lesson learned: buy an egg-separator thingy. and learn how to make stiff peaks.

example #2:

this evening i decided to make oatmeal raisin cookies for iv tomorrow night. i love to bake and share my goodies with others. as with the banana bread, i found a delicious sounding oatmeal raisin cookie recipe on a baking blog. making the batter was no problemo. the best part was adding the 3 CUPS of oatmeal and 2 CUPS of raisins! yessss. the instructions told me to line a cookie sheet with parchment paper and stick 'em in the oven for 16-18 minutes. easy, right? well, okay. i have a confession to make. or maybe i general piece of knowledge to spread. parchment paper DOES NOT equal wax paper. in fact, baking with wax paper causes serious problems. yeah, i put those two cookie sheets lined with wax paper in the oven and what do you know? smoke begins to billow out of the oven and our fire alarm goes off. at this point i am still unaware of the effect heat has on wax paper, so i blame it on the raisins. (note: this is actually good reasoning because last time i baked cookies with raisins, that same thing happened. oh, yeah, and those cookies were on wax paper, too) it was not until the final batch of cookies were baking and i had opened all the windows in the condo, stood under the fire alarm waving a towel at it so it wouldn't go off, and cursed at the oven numerous times that my roommate, fran, finally helped me realize that maybe it was the WAX PAPER. maybe it was her comment that her room smelled like burning crayons that finally clicked off a light in my brain. ahh. WAX paper. it probably melts under heat. and it's probably NOT the same as parchment paper.

lesson learned: don't bake with wax paper. and don't blame it on the raisins.

the oatmeal raisin cookies turned out fine. they might be poisoned by melting wax, but i've eaten two and haven't perished thus yet, so hopefully they're okay. i guess i need to expand my baking knowledge. i can follow a recipe, but i don't know much of anything about technique or what certain ingredients do to a recipe. i'd love to take a class someday.

ah, well. without mistakes we'd never learn, right?

on pandora and other simple joys

okay, pandora. how in the heck do you do it? everytime i listen to you, you amaze me with your ability to select the best songs and work in those ones that are my favorites. i could listen to you for hours and never get bored. may the LORD bless your creativity, freeness, and ability to provide hours of entertainment. ptl for pandora!

other things i take delight in:

licking the spoon/bowl after (and before) baking

shopping at trader joe's

rain showers

running without headphones in my ears

reading baking blogs

browsing used book stores

dreaming

the smell and sounds of horses

on valentine's day

i don't like this "holiday". and it's not because i've never had a boyfriend on valentine's day. it's because i really think that the fact that we need to have a holiday to remind us to love one another is maybe a little pathetic. and while pretty flowers, chocolate, and fancy dinners are nice they are not love. okay, so maybe i'm feeling a little pessimistic. but shouldn't we "love" one another every day of the year? except in the true sense of what it means to love - to be selfless, patient, kind, forgiving, sharing, sacrificing, to not be judgmental. this is the kind of love that awakens the soul.

i think i've come up with my lenten...thing. to spread love. to express to those i love how much they mean to me, how much i care about them, and how i am so glad to have them in my life no matter what day it is. to take the words "i love you" and put them into action. to make everyday valentine's day....cheesy as it may sound.

on the joys of grocery shopping

shopping for food is one of my favorite things to do, especially since i've been hitting up the less mundane grocery stores like trader joe's, henry's, and the local farmer's markets. it sounds pretty ridiculous, but i think i could spend hours perusing the aisles, both concrete and tiled, noting the large variety of stuff that's out there these days. this morning i went to the hillcrest farmer's market after going on a run in balboa park. it was packed, as usual. i made my way up and down the produce aisles first, taking note of prices and deciding on which goodies i wanted the most. on my way back around i happened to stumble upon the "cookie guy" that i had been longing to see for quite some time, but never could find. turns out there were two cookies guys selling marvelous looking cookies that were all quite unique. i sampled the cinnamon roll cookie, which basically tasted like a large cinnabon compacted into a cookie. they also had a red velvet cookie, which looked amazing, and a birthday cake variety that looked equally delicious. i probably would have bought one of each to try had it not been for the $2 per cookie price. the good thing is that i found the cookie guys and will make sure i have enough money to buy some of their cookies next time. they're called "410 degrees".

i also love how most of the produce farms have fresh samples of their produce for you to try...and they don't care how many times you come back to taste them. one stand had some samples of cantaloupe that were SO sweet and juicy. i had to remind myself that i needed to save my money for tamales so i wouldn't buy one. just another one of those things i'm gonna get next time. and, oh yes, how could i forget. i stopped by a cheese stand that i'd never noticed before and took some samples. the lady was handing out strawberries dipped in "quark" which basically tastes like cheesecake! it was amazing delicious, like a dessert. i'm not sure what quark is, but it sounds interesting. wikipedia that.

and i have come to the conclusion that farmer's markets are the only way to shop for produce and fresh, well made stuff. plus, it's quite fun!

i also decided to stop by whole foods because i heard that they sold grass fed beef. i'm planning on making chili, so i needed some quality cow meat. it actually ended up being on sale for $5.99/lb, which i thought wasn't too expensive. the whole foods store in hillcrest (and i'm sure every other whole foods) is like eye candy for the foodie. there's sooo much to take in. food i've never seen or heard of! and most of their stuff is proclaimed as organic. they have a whole aisle of gluten-free options and i'm sure vegans and vegetarians have a hay day there. i wish i could have spent more time browsing the aisles, but i was hungry and being in a grocery store when you're hungry is not a good thing. i'm definitely going to return at some point in the near future when i have lots of time to leisurely peruse the store.

long live grocery shopping!

on baking

here's the deal. i've baked 5 times in the last two days and, frankly, i want to do it again tomorrow. so what i'm wondering is, is there something wrong with me? maybe. probably. but i LOVE my addiction.

things i love about baking:

• you can do it at any time of the day
• it makes your kitchen smell amazing
• it makes you feel creative
• you can "test" the cookies
• to save cleaning time, you can lick the bowl
• you can share your goodies with friends
• it's fun and relaxing
• i love sweets anyway!

there you have it. the reasons why i can't stop whipping out my cookie cookbook or browsing allrecipes.com for hours and hours finding new recipes. between yesterday and today, i made peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, healthy banana cookies (for vegan jenny), chocolate pudding, brownies, and snickerdoodles. oh, i think it'd be great to own my own bakery one day. i don't know the slightest thing about business, but i have a set of parentals that do and lots of friends who are business majors. and if they can't help, well, i might just wander olin hall crying out "please help me start my own business!" i've never thought about making it my career; i've always thought that if i did have a bakery, it'd be an on-the-side kind of thing. however, now that i think about it, i don't think that owning your own business is really an "on-the-side" deal. can i be a counselor and own my own bakery? mmehhh. i'm just glad that i've found two things that i love to do, am passionate about, and can use to help others.

want me to bake something for you? i'd love to!

on food, inc.

okay, so i know i said i would write about each chapter of "everyday justice" as i read it, but i got lazy. i'm also finished with the book, so i think i'll just wait until i finish and then write about it collectively.

i watched this documentary the other day called food, inc. if you haven't watched it already, you definitely should. it opened my eyes to many things that i was unaware of about the food industry and generally made me feel guilty about my food choices and sad that i contribute to the growth of food injustices. the documentary talked to a few different farmers who work for large corporations like tyson and purdue (chicken). these companies pay their farmers VERY little to raise the chickens at their farms. the chickens are kept in deplorable conditions - dark, tunnel-like sheds where they are literally standing on top of each other. a lot of them can't even walk because their breasts are growing too fast for the rest of their bodies. hundreds of thousands of chickens live in these really crappy chicken houses, never seeing daylight. it's really quite disgusting. and this is all for the sake of big, cheap, and fast food for a consumer society. one farmer had her farm shut down by purdue because she refused to switch to the dark, tunnel chicken houses from the slightly more open-air version. i don't think i'm going to be buying any chicken from tyson or purdue.

the beef industry is just horrible, too. cows are raised in factory-like settings and forced to eat diets of corn, which fattens them up quicker. but corn is not what cows were made to eat. it has detrimental effects on the digestive system of the cow, causing them to release more methane gas into the air. EWW. cow farts that are harmful for the environment! the cows stand in their own manure all day. it's no wonder our meat often becomes contaminated. it's rare these days to find meat from cows that are grass-fed and allowed free range. the big companies producing most of the beef in the world are seeking to shut down the smaller scale farms which produce this grass-fed beef. now, i am a meat eater: hamburgers, chicken sandwiches, bacon, you name it. rarely do i think about where my meat is coming from. honestly, it's hard to know, especially when you're eating out. i've had friends tell me that i should be more conscious about this and i think i've finally realized that they are right.

i don't plan on becoming a vegetarian, but i want to make better food choices. i want to be a conscious consumer. i've decided to try to eat less meat. if i do eat meat, i should know where it's coming from. i want to support farms who raise grass-fed cows or free-range chickens. i realize that this decision is not going to be easy. sacrificing my favorite hamburger is really tough. but in order to care for creation, i need to make changes in my lifestyle. so here are a few of the things i plan on doing:

• buy more organic foods
• eat less meat (go one or two days a week w/o eating meat)
• cook from scratch more often
• go to farmer's markets
• plant a small garden
• be more conscious of where my food is coming from, how it's made, etc.

i'm learning more and more about sustainable living as i read "everyday justice" and watch documentaries like food, inc. we are stewards of God's creation. we are called to spread love in every aspect of our lives, including our food choices.

also, check out www.greenissexy.org for daily tips on how to live greener. the site is co-founded by one of my favorite actresses, Rachel McAdams. :)

on fair trade

i just started reading a book i purchased at urbana. it's called everyday justice by julie clawson. i bought it because urbana inspired and challenged me to change the way i live in order to further justice in this world. the book goes through many different lifestyle choices like what we eat, what we wear, and what we throw away and how our choices have a global effect on the well-being of others. reading the first couple of chapters has inspired me to write about what i've read, so i've decided to blog about each chapter.

today's chapter: coffee, fair trade and the daily latte

i have been aware of fair trade coffee for a while. it came to my attention when usd announced that they were gonna sell fair trade coffee at all the dining places on campus. of course it sounded like a great idea, but i don't drink coffee so i wasn't really concerned about changing my buying habits. what i didn't know is that fair trade also applies to things like herbs and tea, sugar, vanilla, spices, rice, and fruits or nuts. it makes sense because all of these things are farm grown in countries all across the world. but i'd never seen advertising for fair trade vanilla or fair trade cinnamon...that, or i just wasn't paying attention. the hard thing is that most of the time these items are labeled "fair trade" so it's hard to tell what you are buying. next time i shop at trader joe's, henry's, or even ralph's, i'm gonna check to see if any of these items are labeled "fair trade". it's amazing how ignorant most people are about these kinds of things. i know i am. i hear about them off and on, but i decide to ignore the issue and do nothing about it. i go on consuming and in the process i support injustice. but i'm slowly realizing that jesus' command to "love your neighbor as youself" is so much greater than the clothes i wear or the food i eat. if i'm supporting systems that treat other people as less important, then i am not loving my neighbor. if i worship jesus but buy sugar from companies that did not give the farmers fair wages, i am not loving my neighbor.

i want to encourage everyone to think about the everyday consumer choices they make and how that might effect others. make good choices. ;)

on the homeless

there's something that's been on my mind a lot recently. and i'm not sure what to do about it. where i live (close to sports arena and rosecrans) there are many homeless people standing on the street corners with their cardboard signs. every day i pass them on my way to and from home. i sit at the red light and feel guilty as they walk past my car and i try not to make eye contact. i always wish that i had something to give them - not necessarily money, but maybe an extra blanket or a bag of chips. but i don't. i just stare at them and my heart melts. these people have no one to love them, no one to turn to for help. many homeless people have mental disorders that keep them from having a steady job. the people most in need don't get the help they deserve. why? who knows. for me, i think i'm scared. homeless people are dirty, have ragged clothes, and are unpredictable. but they are PEOPLE. and those are ridiculous excuses for not helping them.

jesus set a great example for us. he lived and ate with these kind of people all the time. he saw that they were most in need and he came to them. he saw past their ragged exterior and looked into their hearts. the same kind of heart that every person on this world has beating inside their body. i think homeless people just want someone to listen. they need someone to talk to, someone who will give them the time of day. 1000s of cars pass by them every day. maybe one person sticks their arm out the window and gives them their change. jesus didn't just hand out money. nor did he do all his work "behind the scenes" when no one else was watching. jesus didn't do charity. he did justice. and there's no reason why i can't do justice, too.

"the blessings of God are too good to keep for ourselves"

Shane Claiborne

on music and lyrics

good lyrics are, well, GOOD. good lyrics speak the depths of your heart. and the best part is, someone else has done it for you. we are blessed by someone else's gift. it's amazing how some song lyrics seem to say exactly what i'd like to say, but hadn't found a way to say it yet. some song lyrics can be so powerful that you just want to listen to or write them over and over again. or at least i do. passion. that's where i feel it. in music.

some songs whose lyrics i absolutely love:

. slipped away -- avril lavigne

. blood bank -- bon iver

. fix you -- coldplay

. yellow -- coldplay

. the scientist -- coldplay

. here with me -- dido

. so are you to me -- eastmountainsouth

. your song -- elton john

. livin' our love song -- jason michael carroll

. edge of desire -- john mayer

. split screen sadness -- john mayer

. stupid boy -- keith urban

. i run to you -- lady antebellum

. everything -- lifehouse

. take me away -- lifehouse

. storm -- lifehouse

. every single snow patrol song

. i dare you to move -- switchfoot

. fearless -- taylor swift

i've never tried to write a song and i don't know how to play any musical instruments. i wish i could. it's one of the things i'm going to do before i die. for sure. guitar or piano, maybe.

on the new year

i've never been good at new year's resolutions. most of the time they involve working on my fitness more often or cutting back on a certain sweet. most of the time my resolutions involve me. and that's all fine and dandy because of course it's good to be concerned about your own health and happiness, but i think i'm gonna try something new this year. this year, my resolutions are going to be about others: praying for others, spending more time with others, sharing my blessings for others, giving of my time for others. i haven't exactly figured out what these specific things are, but i'm excited to discover them.

because i think that this world has a giant problem of selfishness. it's what causes so many of the other problems we have. and i came to this revelation while talking with some guy that i sat next to on the plane back to san diego. who would have thought random strangers can inspire such revelatory thoughts? okay, so the problem of selfishness may not come as news to you, but it is giving me a better understanding of how i can make a difference in this world. be selfless. in EVERYTHING.

so there's my overarching new year's resolution for all to see: be selfless.

i'm so ready for this year. bring on the new.

oh, p.s. one of my resolutions is to blog more often. :)