on patience

Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you are to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take

I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do

Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
The way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh, the way your kisses taste

I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
How I do

I've missed you but I haven't met you
Oh how I miss you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
Oh how I want to
Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently

- To Whom It May Concern, The Civil Wars

on more changes

it's starting to become fall. which is pretty much my favorite season of the year. and this time i will not be in san diego, where "fall" involves the temperature MAYBE dropping a few degrees and less and less people hanging out on the beach. nope, this year i will be in real fall territory. there will be changing of leaves (albeit probably for only like two weeks), lots of playing of (good) football, and a considerable change of temperature requiring the wearing of long sleeves, sweaters, and closed-toed shoes (which never really happens in san diego). i will be in texas. like i wanted to be. and it kinda feels like life before college, except i have less friends here, i don't go to school, my mom and dad don't pay for everything, and i have to have a real job soon. thinking about starting a LIFE, a real life, is a little bit scary and a lot bit exciting. right now, though, i feel like i'm in an in-between stage. i'm sort of still dependent. i don't really have an income yet. i don't have my own place to live. i don't have a dog. i don't have bills with my name on them. it's kinda like i'm in the bull pen, you know, getting ready to step up to home plate and see if i can knock whatever life throws at me out of the part. i'm in the bull pen. preparing. thinking. learning. mustering courage and warming myself up for the hard parts. (baseball reference? okay. i don't even like/watch baseball.)

lots of exciting things are happening to my friends, too. some are staying and some are going, but they're all doing something really amazing. i can't believe what wonderful friends i have, all of whom are passionate about something and are reaching out to pursue that passion, whatever it looks like. i know our relationships will change. not that they will get worse, but they will be different. from a few minutes away to a thousand miles apart, the change in distance is hard. but it puts me at peace to know that we are all pursuing our dreams and doing hard stuff and succeeding. and i will always love them the most. because they were the ones that were there in the most amazing four years of my life thus far. they were there through the anxieties, the hard questions, the uncertanties, the good and bad relationships, the joyful triumphs. as cheesy as it may sound, i really discovered myself over the past four years and i have to thank my friends for holding my hand through that journey. who knows if i'll ever experience that kind of friendship again.

but i'm moving on. i'm starting somewhere new where i don't know anyone. just like freshman year in college. but because i have had that experience, i feel even more confident that i will be successful in my new place. i may not like it. it may be the hardest thing i've ever done. but i am prepared for that because of the last four years. because of the classes i took. because of the professors that taught me. because of the people that surrounded me. because of the place that i lived. because of the community i was a part of.

on things i'd like to change

here. let's be honest. like veritaserum honest.

there are many things i would like to fix/change right now, but can’t, or won’t, or just don’t feel like it. i’d like to change the way i’m eating...or perhaps what’s more accurate to say is i’d like to change how much dessert i’m eating. it’s probably not great that i’m eating dessert two, mostly three times a day. but i feel like i can’t control myself at all when it comes to sweets. especially when it’s right there in front of me and looks absolutely delicious. every day i think to myself, this is the day. no desserts. or only one dessert. because every day i look at myself in the mirror and am disappointed by the way i look. mostly because i judge myself against others. like everyone else who i live with and then some. with their bronzed, skinny bodies that look amazing in a bikini. i like to think that i don’t care about how i look, that i actually don’t judge myself against others and that i love me for me. but, seriously. who am i kidding? there are things about me that i want to change. ‘cause i feel like the one-who’s-the-least-pretty-in-the-doghouse. or maybe even the least-pretty-of-all-the-counselors. and it kinda hurts. and i hate that i’m thinking that way, but it just happens. ‘cause i constantly judge myself against others. man why the heck do i do that? i find myself trying to find flaws in other people just to make myself feel better. like, well she’s got an ugly nose and i don’t really, so it’s all okay. or at least i’m prettier than her. even just typing this out right now makes me feel silly. but that’s the truth and heck if i need to know the truth. ‘cause the truth is the truth and of course it’s not always pretty. but i guess it’s important to acknowledge. but i’m not sure what to do about it.

something else i’d like to change: missing texas. missing my family. missing san diego. missing my friends there. (okay, that’s a lot of things) which leads to feeling out of place here. even though it’s great here. it really is. i mean, it’s work, but it’s also play. it’s colorado. it’s gorgeous. there’s mountains, there’s afternoon rainstorms, there’s horses, and there’s tons of stars. and laughter. and good people. i do like stars a lot. but i still don’t feel completely comfortable here. it’s like freshman year of college. back and forth. up and down. feeling left out and not in. feeling unsure of myself. feeling like i need to do things that i don’t really want to do just to feel in. to feel. okay. liked.

i'd like to make my mind shut down so i can stop thinking about these things. stop thinking about the silly things i want to change about myself. it's not worth it. it's really not. sometimes i lie in bed just thinking about how i would like to feel. and then i listen to music and imagine situations in my head that make me feel better. is that weird? do other people do that? sometimes reality just bites and the imagined life is much better. but where would i be, who would i be if i didn't accept reality? if i didn't embrace it, love it, and live in it. for reals.

it's beginning to get to me.

on accidents

they happen, right? it's just part of life. it's just one of those things. can't do anything about it. it could have been worse. you're lucky. you'll have a great story to tell.

this is going to sound horrible, but right now i am feeling sorry for myself. oh, i was doing well in the beginning. it was actually kinda cool to get stitches and have some narly looking wounds on my leg. and the story of how it happened was fun to tell - complete with a hero and a courageous moment. but now? i'm not really feeling it. i'm feeling regret, frustration, anger, anxiety, and a handful of other negatives. i'm tried of sitting in my bed all day long, alternating between reading a book, messing around on the internet, and watching movies. it's true that any other day i might enjoy these things, but ever since the beginning of this summer i've been going, going, going and active every day all day long and i kinda liked it. i miss the silly little children and riding every day. cliche but, you don't know what you got till its gone. i haven't yet seen the positive side of having this injury, besides for the fact that i wasn't hurt worse.

one of the things i've been truly blessed with during this time is having friends who care. i can't say enough about a couple of people in particular who blew my mind with their kindness, generosity, and selflessness in helping me out. it feels great to know that there are people out there who would sacrifice their time to help someone out. even someone they've only known for a little over a month. i truly have seen the LORD in these people and am so grateful for that. i don't think anything i could do would be enough to repay them. i can definitely say that i've seen the second commandment being lived out in these people. thank you, jesus.

on reality

you know when you get that feeling? like your dreams are your reality and your reality is your dreams? my dreams have been so vivid and life-like recently and my reality has been so surreal that i'm beginning to confuse the two. it's like i'm floating the line between two worlds. during the day i struggle to keep myself grounded. the natural beauty of the place where i'm living makes me feel so connected to the earth, to God and creation. i view the snow-tipped mountains in the distance, the pink and purple clouds at sunset, the rushing waters of the rivers and streams and wonder how i have lived this long without seeing them. it puts me in a dream-like state, where "real life" seems far away and the spirit of joy flows constantly in and out my nostrils. better yet, i get to spend my days riding horses and hearing the laughter of children. i step outside my door and see hundreds of horses of all colors and sizes and smell the sweet, sweet scent of "barn". nothing else puts me more at peace than gazing at horses. i look at them and i wonder what they're thinking, what they "worry" about, what the day in the life of a horse feels like. and if i could communicate with them, what would i say?

and then there's dreaming. which rocks. which puts me in situations i've never been in before and with people that i haven't seen in years. but it feels so real. i wake up and, if only for a few seconds, wonder if my dream actually happened. and i LOVE that feeling. that feeling of not knowing the difference between dreaming and reality. it rocks, too.

so for now i'm content to live in between the two. to not really know the difference. because it feels real good. real good.

on the absence of things

in the very near future looms a time when things that have been consistently in my life will cease to be there anymore, if only for a little while.

baking : being in colorado working at a dude ranch for 3 months probably won't be conducive to much baking. and after that, who knows? i might not time and resources to bake as much as i have been.

usd : despite frequent periods of intense dislike of usd, i do love it so. it's been an enormous source of education, experience, and friendships. it's been the location of many transitions, some hard decisions, and some of the greatest joys i've ever experienced. i'm so blessed and so proud to have been a torero (say it with a very strong spanish accent).

san diego : my home for the past four years. sunshine, beaches, burritos, sea world, hillcrest, pb, balboa park, desert, mountains, sunsets, endless summers. i'll be back, don't you worry.

intervarsity: my community. the place where i feel most welcome and most loved in san diego. the community where my best and most important friendships were formed. i will always remember fondly my years with intervarsity at large groups, community groups, in service projects, retreats, community get togethers, and in leadership. intervarsity has shaped and molded me into the leader that i am today. it has opened my eyes to new ways of seeing faith and helped me become even more convicted in my own beliefs. LOVE.

friends: this one is hardest for me to comprehend. and i don't think i actually will comprehend it until after i'm gone. 'cause i don't really want to understand what it's going to be like to live without my best friends. i could not have predicted the type of friendships i would make in college and what a profound impact they would have on my life, my being, my person. the memories overflow like a river does its banks. so much joy and laughter. so many hugs. so many conversations that have shaped me. feelings are welling up inside me right now that i can't explain. my heart is overwhelmed with love for my beautiful friends. thank you. i'm not me without you.

it's the end of a beginning. and the beginning of a new end.

on that loving feeling

what is love?

the first kiss and the first time that i felt connected to anything.

peace. patience. forgiveness. compassion. selflessness.

i'm not afraid of anything, even time.

dizzying. exploding. aching. powerful.

i pray that something picks me up and sets me down in your warm arms.

joy. passion. yearning.

i could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute.

faith. promise.

just know that these things will never change for us at all.

unconditional.

even if you cannot hear my voice i'll be right beside you, dear.